Will She or Won't She?

Performance anxiety takes on new meaning in your sixties. It’s not necessarily about being on the stage, a playing field, or even, shall we say, doing something in the dark.  

It’s much more straightforward.

Here’s the scenario:  I’ve been seated at a meeting with strangers for more than an hour. I believe my contributions provided some value to the discussion. I even volunteered to take on some tasks. Who knows, maybe the group is beginning to think I’m a useful addition. But, how will it look when I stand up? The knees don’t work like they used to. When I get up from a chair it looks as awkward and uncomfortable as it feels.

I’m working on this -- my knees and my health. My goal is not to age gracefully. I’m past that, as is clear when I see my reflection in the yoga studio’s floor-to-ceiling mirror.  My goal is to age actively. I enjoy exercise and the outdoors. And, it’s hard to beat the boost endorphins deliver for mood and sleep.

As I wrote last October (A Tale of Two Body Shops), I go to a personal trainer. I’m Mike’s oldest client. Not his longest client, but his sole senior citizen so far. I like to think I’m training him, too, about older people – their bodies, worries, and abilities.  I’ve told him this; now he praises me when my process for getting up from the floor gets more streamlined.

When I started working with Mike, he asked about my training goals. They were simple:  Extend the useful life of my knees and to be able to get in and out of a kayak.  We are in terrific kayak territory; I want to get eye to eye with a great blue heron again.

Bless his heart (as we say in the South), Mike has been working to strengthen the necessary muscles. He even assembles a simulated kayak on the gym floor for practice. After I’m successfully seated, there’s a weight bar to mimic paddling with water resistance.

Kayaking on the gym floor is work. What will it be like on a lake after several years’ absence?

The true test is Friday:  my new kayak on the nearby lake.

Every other time I have gone kayaking it’s been with friends, notably my friends’ husbands, who are stronger, patient, and helpful.

With my own kayak I want the freedom to take it out whenever and wherever I want.  Herons and more adventures await.

So, the question is:  Will she or won’t she be able to get in and out of her Hurricane Santee 116?

Let me channel my late mother-in-law.  I can almost hear her.

“You should be so lucky this is the most suspenseful thing in your life.”

Point taken.