"Make New Friends, But Keep the Old"

We’d lie in adjacent twin beds in the dark and pretend we were paralyzed. There was always a bad guy who wanted to harm us. I don’t remember how our stories ended. I bet we took turns being the hero.

We were in grade school and inseparable. We drew horses, played horses, rode horses, and collected china horses for which we beaded bridles and built cardboard stables.

I'm second from the right. Crying? My best friend has my back.

My mother still feels badly about separating such good friends. I was 12.  We drove west toward the sun for a better job for my father thousands of miles away.

These days, friends are much on my mind. In the last week I’ve been friendship time traveling. Last Friday, a friend of four decades drove 400-plus miles to visit for the weekend. On Tuesday, I saw my childhood chum for only the third time since we left Virginia for California more than a half-century ago. And yesterday, a new friend – of just four months – invited me to lunch to meet her friends.

What makes a friend?  For a child, proximity is paramount. A common background helps and is especially helpful when parents are granting permission for possibly dangerous sleepovers.

In adulthood, proximity still helps but it is shared experiences, such as college and work, that foster friendship. A common worldview and sensibility – for me, a sense of humor is essential – can be nutrients that nurture relationships.

If you are lucky (in my view) and have children, they will introduce you to more people, prescreened as parents and guardians for those common interests:  your children. The ease of proximity returns, including hours in stands or on sidelines of any number of sporting or school events.

In retirement, especially if you move, it takes more work. One website suggests walking your dog.  I do that.  It also recommends simply getting outside.  I do that.  It also suggests working out, volunteering, and joining a faith community.

Check. Check. Check.

That’s how to get connected. But what about staying connected?

Economists say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. You will pay for it one way or another.

A good friendship takes time and effort.

Staying connected for the inestimable rewards of friendship takes work:  Driving 400 miles, writing letters (okay emails), making real phone calls, remembering special occasions, and above all, listening and sharing your friend’s joys, difficult times, and sorrow.

And, revealing yourself as well.

My old friend is closer now. It’s only one state line to cross, not an entire continent. It’s worth the drive. Maybe her guest room has twin beds. With bodies that are closer to what we only imagined decades ago, maybe this time there won’t be any bad guys, just the comfort of a long friendship.